[Blondie]

HEART-STOPPING SEX

"I'll never forget the time an ambulance brought in a young slacker guy and his girlfriend. They had decided to get it on in his grandmother's basement while she was out of the house. They'd grabbed a tube of what they thought was lubricant from her wellstocked medicine cabinet.

"Unfortunately, it was nitroglycerin paste, a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure. When Grandma came home, she found the couple lying on top of each other, unconscious and buck naked. They eventually came to after we gave them oxygen and fluids."

STUCK ON YOU

"One night, a gurney rolled in carrying a woman in black lingerie-who happened to be straddling a naked man. They told us that they had been doing a lot of drugs and having wild sex when the woman's vagina cramped up and the guy couldn't pull out. The doctor on duty gave her muscle relaxants, and after several minutes, they were able to separate. Then they were promptly arrested on drug charges."

TOY WITH HIM

"A guy came into our ER one night. When the doctor asked him to describe his problem, he reached into his bag, pulled out a sex-toy catalog, and pointed to a long, curved toy on one of the pages. 'I can show you what's in there,' he winked. 'Now let's see if you can get it out.' The doctor did, after leaving the room to stop laughing so hard."

UNSCHEDULED DELIVERY

"During an ice storm, a rescue squad radioed that they were bringing in a young woman with severe menstrual cramps. I was the ER nurse assigned to take her medical history. Although obviously in discomfort, the woman looked totally healthy. She told me she'd been having normal periods, which was frustrating to her because she and her man had been trying to get pregnant for some time.

"I reassured her that the gynecologist on duty would be able to give her something for the pain, but when the doctor came in to examine her, he took one look and said that not only was she pregnant, but she was going to have a baby right then! We rushed her to the maternity floor, and soon after, she delivered a healthy baby girl."

SPONGE-BATH SLIPUP

"When I was just starting out as a nurse, I had to give a sponge bath to an incredibly hot male patient. I tried to be very professional about it and not embarrass either one of us. But when it was time to wash his back, instead of saying 'Turn over,' I accidentally blurted out 'Move over.' He gave me a huge grin and said, 'Oh, I don't know if there's enough room, but trust me, I'll try!' "

KEYED UP

"A hysterical woman came into the ER. She'd just had a fight with her boyfriend while sitting in his parked car. She said she had gotten so mad at him that she pulled the key out of the ignition and put it in her vagina so he couldn't drive home! Now she couldn't locate the key to get it out. I couldn't find it either, so we concluded that it must have fallen out somewhere near her boyfriend's car."

GO FISH

"A man explained that his girlfriend had tried to take his temperature rectally and 'lost' the thermometer. I could actually see the glass tip poking out of his rear end, so I got a padded clamp and gently began pulling. It was a thermometer all right, but one for a fish tank-more than a foot long!"

HOT BEEF INFECTION

"I was assigned to examine a patient with stomach pain. The woman turned out to be my high school classmate, but instead of being happy to see me, she was mortified. She confessed she wasn't suffering from stomach pain but had gotten something 'stuck.' Hours earlier, she'd microwaved a frozen hot dog to use as a sex toy. But heating it had softened the hot dog, and it broke off inside her. I removed it, though I doubt she'll look me in the eye at our next reunion!"

PLAY BALL

"A young couple came in with this story: During sex, the woman had grabbed a medium-size rubber ball and inserted it into her man's back door. The ball became lodged so high in his rectum, they couldn't get it out... and neither could we! The attending MD paged a surgeon, but while we were waiting for him to arrive, the man began coughing. The ball came flying out of his butt with enough velocity to ping around the room and hit the just arriving surgeon in the head."

[winkyduck]

i worked at a hospital mail room thru college and heard a lot like this from the ER people

the guy who had a light bulb stuck in his ass - the bulb side (they filled it with something - it hardended - and out it came)

the guy who had a pen stuck in his "unit" - a pen with a clip and the CLIP was stuck inside (i hurt just thinking about that)

stuff like this - sadly - cums (get it) around all the time

[aceduecetrey]

I heard there are something like 100 incidents a year in Florida alone that a guy "just happens to swimming by the intake" jet of a pool/hot tub and it sucks in his cock.

[Blondie]

After my husband got out of the military we decided to move back home. For the first few weeks we had to stay at his mothers house and sleep on the couch in the living room....with Jerry. The fifteen year old Maccaw. Our first night there we decided to break in the sofa bed with a little R+R. The next day we were all sitting at the breakfast table and Jerry started screaming. We all turned to make sure he was alright. He started babbling something at first and we couldn't make out what he was saying, but it sounded like he was in pain. It began to get clearer and clearer though.
In his best female voice we heard, "OH GOD..OH BABY" over and over followed by screams. My father in law ran out of the house laughing. Believe it or not my mother in law sat there still confused. We've never had sex in the house since.

I was moving from Florida to Michigan. My boyfriend and I liked to experiment, so I had collected a large array of "toys" and such. I didn't realize it, but my brother was carrying out the box that they were in when one of the vibrators turned on. I looked out the window to see my brother digging through the box trying to find it and turn it off. He came back in with a smirk on his face and never said a word.

[Blondie]

I lived on the third floor of a really exclusive condo in Dallas, Texas. I had this incredible hand carved Italian wooden bed with the mirror above it. There was this large window right behind my bed. It was around 10 in the morning and I woke up after a late night of partying the night before. O.K., how do I say this? I woke up horney because my boyfriend had left without "doing what he shoulda" the night before. Anyway, I was using my vibrator and "taking care of business", when I heard someone right behind me say "Do you see what I see?" I looked up into the mirror over the bed to see the reflection of the window washers right behind my head. I figured stopping wouldn't ease my embarrasment any, so I finished up. This was one of the two most embarrasing moments in my life.

AND

My girlfriends gave me a gag gift party and one of the gifts was an 18 inch vibrator that was so big it looked like you should kick start it. We laughed and I put it away and never thought about it again.
Months later, I flew up to Colorado Springs to pick up my Corvette from the house and drive it back to Dallas. I thought I would get a head start on moving, so I through a couple of small boxes behind the seat in my car. I was driving down the road on the interstate, when I heard this strange sound coming from the car. Since this was a new car, I was really concerned so I pulled over beside the road. When I turned the motor off, I still heard the sound. I was looking around when a state trooper pulled up. I told him the problem and he started looking in the car, while I was looking in the front. All of a sudden, he said, "Ma'am, I - uh, I think I found your problem." I turned around and looked at him to see him standing there biting the sides of his mouth to keep from laughing and holding up this 18 inch vibrating plastic penis. I wanted to die! All I could think to do was grab it, throw it in the back, get in the car, say "thank you" and drive off. I looked in my rear view mirror to see him holding his stomach, bent over, and laughing his ass off. I bet he still tells that story to this day. .. I know I do.

[Piranha]

Blondie, the last couple of stories is your own life experience, right?

Not that of someone elses..........

[Blondie]

No sorry, found those on a website. Thought they were funny

here is the site

Most Embarrassing Sex Stories* -* Jokes-Funnies.com

[cassiusclay]

wow blondie, you own a.......










corvette?????

[cassiusclay]

[Blondie]

Originally Posted by cassiusclay

wow blondie, you own a.......










corvette?????

Nah,. more of a Mustang girl myself

[Ruptured Spleen]

Once, when I was at band camp....