Bucsfan67
EOG Master
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing
down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at
work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the
office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets
a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when
you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or
a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the
stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the
poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the
poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is
Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.FN)* A group of co-workers who
band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of
a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking
a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into
the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper
can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If y ou
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion See
CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees.
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you
poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third
flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it?
This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
ass before it falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind o f poop where you have to sit on the
toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you
when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when
you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts
to rise.
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing
down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at
work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the
office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets
a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when
you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or
a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the
stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the
poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the
poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is
Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.FN)* A group of co-workers who
band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of
a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking
a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into
the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper
can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If y ou
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion See
CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees.
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you
poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third
flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it?
This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
ass before it falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind o f poop where you have to sit on the
toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you
when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when
you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts
to rise.
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
