O/T Advice needed

Blondie

Blondie

EOG Master
My oldest son turned 12 today. His biological father has not seen him in probably two years now (I lost track). Last time I spoke with him was in November, he called when I was in other town and my son was not with me. It's been at least a year since he last spoke with my son.

So today he calls and I missed his call. He leaves a message of "Just called to tell D**** happy birthday." My son tries to call him back about 10 minutes later with no response. He has not called back since then.

To say the least my son is having a hard time understanding why this man does not even seem to care at all. Why he makes no effort to come see him, no phone calls, nothing. My son is angry and has expressed this many times.

I allowed my son to get a facebook account so that they could possibly communicate that way, but even though the guy is online every day there has been no communication between him and my son. My son will send him something such as "hi" and get little to no response.

How can my husband and I help him learn to live with the way things are?

It breaks my heart to see this hurt him, but I am truly at a loss on what to say. I refuse to bad mouth his father as much as I would like to, so I often answer with "I don't know"
 
Teddy kgb

Teddy kgb

Banned
Re: O/T Advice needed

It's one thing to bad mouth the guy with lies but here you have a chance to bad mouth the guy with the truth, Tell your son that his father is a self centered asshole who at this time doesn't give a shit about him and not to worry because he has a new dad that loves him so he aint missing out on shit.

If you want to make him feel better let him know that when his bio father grows up that you're sure they will be great friends....
 
David Glisan

David Glisan

2
Re: O/T Advice needed

I'll preface this by saying that I don't have kids and I'm fortunate to have a great father. The older I get I realize how fortunate I am and how much of whatever I've managed to achieve in life I owe to my dad.

I honestly don't know what you can do that you're not already doing by being good parents to him. Once your son gets a little older he'll figure out what the deal is and realize that your husband is his "real" father regardless of who is biological dad is. It sounds like you're doing everything you should do.
 
David Glisan

David Glisan

2
Re: O/T Advice needed

TeddyKGB is right on the money....I respect that you and your husband are trying to be the bigger people by not badmouthing your kid's biological dad but like the man said you're only telling him the truth. I guess the important thing is that your son knows that it doesn't have anything to do with him and has everything to do with his biological father's inability to act like a man. Like the bumper sticker says--anyone can make a baby, it takes a man to be a father. I'm sure your son knows that he's got a "real" father even if he's not a DNA match. He'll understand this even more vividly as he gets older.
 
Teddy kgb

Teddy kgb

Banned
Re: O/T Advice needed

Also at 12 it's the perfect age for your new husband to get the kid involved in so much shit he doesn't have time to dwell on his bio father, fishing,hunting,playing sports, girls....It's wide open providing your new husband aint a douchbag like the kids father.
 
Blondie

Blondie

EOG Master
Re: O/T Advice needed

Teddy,

The guy is one of those extremely intelligent guys that could have done almost anything in life. Instead his life has been one fuck up after another. Originally from Chicago, he no longer has the Chicago accent, but will try to fake it when he comes to small town southern IL. (Which the last time for that was when my son was in Kindergarten)

When he was down here he went out of his way to not fit in. A few weeks ago my son was talking about this and he even mentioned that he wasn't really upset that this guy had not come down here to see him because "he didn't even try to act like everyone else"

I would love to tell him the last line Teddy, but as a divorced child myself I remember almost every time one of my parents would say something bad about the other and no matter how old you are it hurts to hear. I don't want to hurt my son in the process, I just don't know how to help him learn to deal with the reality.

David, he is starting to figure it out from the way it sounds, but it still doesn't make it any easier to swallow....
 
mr merlin

mr merlin

EOG Master
Re: O/T Advice needed

Tell him that the simple truth is that at this point in the mans life he's either unwilling or unable to provide the barest minimum of attention to your kid. He knows this already at 12, I wouldnt make too big a deal about it either, that would only make him feel worse, let him be a 12 year old and have fun doing whatever it is they do at that age nowadays.
 
Blondie

Blondie

EOG Master
Re: O/T Advice needed

Teddy kgb said:
Also at 12 it's the perfect age for your new husband to get the kid involved in so much shit he doesn't have time to dwell on his bio father, fishing,hunting,playing sports, girls....It's wide open providing your new husband aint a douchbag like the kids father.
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God Lord, I am not sure I can handle him being in anything else.

My husband has over the years coached soccer, baseball, t-ball, and helped with countless other things that he has been involved in.

Right now he is doing summer ball, basketball practice for school, will be starting JFL soon, band, and before we know it baseball practice for school will be starting. (Not to mention they want to build a tesla coil that they got over the Internet :blink:

Other than the lingering anger and frustration he seems to be a fairly normal kid. He gets exceptionally good grades, is fairly popular at school, stays out of trouble, and is generally nice to people.
 
H

High Times

EOG Master
Re: O/T Advice needed

Teddy kgb said:
It's one thing to bad mouth the guy with lies but here you have a chance to bad mouth the guy with the truth, Tell your son that his father is a self centered asshole who at this time doesn't give a shit about him and not to worry because he has a new dad that loves him so he aint missing out on shit.

If you want to make him feel better let him know that when his bio father grows up that you're sure they will be great friends....
Click to expand...


That is the only way for your son to understand HIS LIFE.

Tell him it really doesn't matter BECAUSE that is the truth because his Father made it the truth.

You are leading him on if you do not tell him to forget about his Father.

Both my parents were the worst humans to ever walk the earth and the day you realize the truth is the day you get on with your life.

You can't hide the truth from your children. That just makes them hate you.

Is that what you want?
 
Teddy kgb

Teddy kgb

Banned
Re: O/T Advice needed

My wifes sister and her husband have been seperated for 5yrs and he finally posted his status as seperated on his facebook and his kids ages 25,22,18 stopped talking to him and are in total shock, so I know the effect it can have on kids...

I have never gone through even a seperation with my parents and only 1 of 9 of my aunts and uncles have divorced so I'm not one to give advice, just taking a stab in the dark of how I would think I would do things.

Keep the kid active in the things I mentioned and away from video games and porno....
 
H

High Times

EOG Master
Re: O/T Advice needed

mr merlin said:
Tell him that the simple truth is that at this point in the mans life he's either unwilling or unable to provide the barest minimum of attention to your kid. He knows this already at 12, I wouldnt make too big a deal about it either, that would only make him feel worse, let him be a 12 year old and have fun doing whatever it is they do at that age nowadays.
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Right on

You must stress the fact that he is not the first child to not have both parents involved in a childs life and many of them end up super happy and have great familys and live completely normal lives.
 
Teddy kgb

Teddy kgb

Banned
Re: O/T Advice needed

High Times said:
Right on

You must stress the fact that he is not the first child to not have both parents involved in a childs life and many of them end up super happy and have great familys and live completely normal lives.
Click to expand...

YEP...Great point

Don't let him make his bio father not being there as any kind of crutch or excuse why he failed..
 
Blondie

Blondie

EOG Master
Re: O/T Advice needed

Teddy kgb said:
YEP...Great point

Don't let him make his bio father not being there as any kind of crutch or excuse why he failed..
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Failure (as in giving up because you think you CAN'T do it) isn't something that my kids even attempt to pull off.
 
winkyduck

winkyduck

TYVM Morgan William!!!
Re: O/T Advice needed

Just because a guy has a "unit" doesn't make him a "Man". The "real" father is nothing more than a Guy who knew how to Fuck and get someone (You) Preggo. It is obvious the "father" likes fucking with his kid and while he doesn't want anything to do with his life Dad still wants his son to remember who his REAL father is. Hopefully the father leaves his life and stops trying to pop in and ruin his son's life. If your kid is 12 that means he will be graduating from 8th Grade in 2012 or 2013. It will be interestng to see if his father shows up to THIS moment, or not. for all involved - might be better if he doesn't.
 
trytrytry

trytrytry

All I do is trytrytry
Re: O/T Advice needed

id be thrilled he is out of the picture and not interfering and screwing up things for your boy..its possible he does know deep down what a phuck up he can be and this is his one small way of helping his son...staying away..I mean a simple happy birthday son is hardly getting involved and making a difference anyway..so be it consider your son lucky to have a phuck up dad (biological) who at least gets it that hes not a positive force at all and that is why he stays away.
 
P

Patrick McIrish

OCCams raZOR
Re: O/T Advice needed

With Hoffa not working here now you'd think he'd have more time for his kid. LOL, just messing with you Blondie. :)

On a serious note there is some solid advice already in this thread. My only observation on this topic is don't let the kids use this as an excuse. I say that because they will follow the parents lead. If the Mom (or Dad) freak out and make a tremendous deal out of this the kid will do the same. If the parent plays it more conservative and treats it as an unfortunate thing but not the end of the world I actually think it helps the kids digest what is going on. It's sort of like when your child takes a nasty fall, if you look on as though not much happened they will often shrug it off and keep playing. Rush over all excited in a panic and it almost spurs the child to start crying. Even at this age the quicker they learn to put the big boy pants on and deal with reality the better off it will be for all parties involved. If Dad doesn't want a relationship he's missing out, we're not going to sit around crying about it. Anyway not trying to minimize what is going on but I think it's important we act as though there are no victims here, enough of those in the world already.
 
mr merlin

mr merlin

EOG Master
Re: O/T Advice needed

The guy hasn't talked to the kid in a year, he most likely deliberately called when he couldnt get through to wish him a happy birthday. He's afraid that the 12 year old kid might tell him off, doesnt have a good reason for why he hasnt called for a year, and doesn't want to deal with what might happen. This way he can rationalize to himself that "I called him on his birthday", without actually dealing with the uncomfortable reality of the situation. When the kid called back, he was probably sitting there letting it ring. it's sad all around.
 
CostcoCousteau

CostcoCousteau

2
Re: O/T Advice needed

I imagine at some point in the future,probably when the kid is an adult, he will confront his bio father and get all the answers he needs to come to full a realization as to why he did the things he did.

You and your husband can do everything you want but having his dad seemingly not want to be more involved in his life is something that will be in his mind and tugging at him until he confronts him personally about it.

Not knowing the answers as to why this is happening to him is no doubt causing him to try to rationalize and/or make up reasons as to why it's taking place. This can cause serious emotional problems for him the rest of his life. He will have a weight lifted of his shoulders and long term psychologically will be much better when he gets some face to face answers.

Not knowing the other side of the story is worse than what he is doing to the kid by not being there. If he told him he can't handle the responsibility or doesn't have the financial capabilities to be there like he wants to and thus,is ashamed of himself then the kid would be better off than he is now not having his dad there and not knowing why the fuck not!

A time long ago, I used to be your son.
 
railbird

railbird

EOG Master
Re: O/T Advice needed

Make sure you get the kid enrolled in football, tennis or matial arts to get some discipline. Make sure you let him know its not ok to be a faggot, like lots of fatherless kids are. Also tell him his real Father is God, not his biological father.
 
Blondie

Blondie

EOG Master
Re: O/T Advice needed

Thanks to all of you whom gave real advice.

It is appreciated and a lot will be used :)

I figured the best place to ask about how boys react to fathers etc would be a place comprised of almost all men and many of you showed proved this was a good place

thanks :)
 
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