Having ridiculous computer problems tonight:
American Idol Season 8- Top 7- Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Time to indulge in our weekly masochistic tendencies as we subject ourselves to the torture known as American Idol. Fittingly, our fetishistic perversions are supplemented by the celebrity mentor du jour, Quentin Tarantino. We may not get some good music tonight, but we for damn sure are going to at least get a good cheeseburger.
Allison is singing one of the most overrated ballads of all time, Aerosmith?s ?I Don?t Wanna Miss a Thing?. Bonus points if you can name the cinematic disaster this song is from (all I know is something about an asteroid destroying Earth). With pants that match her shock-top hair, Allison sounds a bit flat on a few notes but brings the heat towards the end. Considering she?s the only truly talented singer left in the competition, it would be nice if they would start with the powerful backup vocals, special lighting, etc. You know the pimpage treatment.
One-upping Allison, Anoop manages to pick unquestionably the most overrated ballad ever. It?s that melodic vomit known as the Bryan Adams ?Robin Hood? song. This choice and the dreaded second slot should be the death knell for Anoop-dogg?s Idol chances. Completely fell asleep on that one and it absolutely bored me to tears. My maid said he sang it well, but really isn?t his 15 minutes up yet?
Gay Adam is singing ?Born to be Wild? and Quentin Tarantino get to taste him. To make matters worse I?ve lost my internet connection and the computer keeps messing up. Unfortunately my television reception stays constant throughout as Adam sleepwalks through another over the top ridiculous performance. I guess people will like it, but I absolutely don?t get it. That was just awful in my opinion.
Matt the Mole is singing some other shitty Bryan Adams song. Apparently he is taking over the role of piano crooner now that Scott has seen the light. Replace the Danny Noonan-fro with a big third eye mole as your signature physical trait and really there is not much difference (outside of the blind thing of course). It sucked, but then it was Bryan Adams so that is sort of redundant. Add in it was on American Idol, and trebly so.
I?m getting angrier by the minute with this computer problem and the sight of Danny Gokey does nothing to calm the rage. Gokey looks like even more of a douche without his glasses and he?s continuing the trend of songs overheard in a vomatorium with ?Endless Love?. Sounding much like the mating of Mormon tard-boy and a mountain goat, Danny does nothing to soothe the flames of mediocrity.
Jesus this fucking show is horrible. It?s not likely Kris can save it at this point. We?re back to the heartfelt emotional Kris of two weeks ago. He even throws in a creepy monkey face at the end. Despite that he actually had a connection with that song something Adam or Danny never will have. Of course I?m so far beyond caring at this point that irrelevance would not even describe the feeling.
Lil Rounds is ending the show which I swear took four hours, maybe longer. She?s singing ?The Rose? which fits perfectly with tonight?s theme of crappy songs from movies. Outside of a new wig, it is the same exact off-key mediocrity we have come to expect from her. Why she ever made it this far is beyond me? But then again I?m someone that could probably fit a one hour show into a one window, so a lot of things about this show escape my grasp.
I can?t go on. Either my liver will explode from the amount of alcohol it will take to tolerate this travesty of show business weekly or the rage from seeing manipulation and mediocrity in place of true talent will take me past the point of no return. That?s all she wrote. Doberman out.
