OFF TOPIC: JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE!!!

#1
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan



What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts



Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes



What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and

good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.



What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you



Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of

driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"



What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the

other?



A speech impediment



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the

cage along with.. "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern

fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....



Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?

? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
 
#10
Re: OFF TOPIC: JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE!!!

A Blonde's Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
box said "2-4 years!"

April

Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October

Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!





THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond

female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
 

bomzee

EOG Dedicated
#14
Re: OFF TOPIC: JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE!!!

A MUSLIM, A COMMUNIST and an illegal immigrant walk into a bar. the bartender says "Hello Mr. President".
 
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