I know its hard man. When you told me your pops passed away I teared up myself. It was my father getting ill that forced me to move back from texas, my mother was already sick but my sister was helping out a bit more. She was going to help till summer, when my dad is off from school, but he then had some heart complications and I just couldnt leave them in the hands of anyone but myself. He is fine now. Anyhow, I cant imagine the actual loss of either of them. 3+ times a week I check my mothers pulse...its an awful feeling. Sometimes she completely stiff and its hard to even find her pulse at all...but shes still here somehow. The medications she takes are just too strong and when they are all taken together its a disaster. She passes out while smoking almost daily as our carpets and furniture burn more and more by the day. She's just in so much pain that she cant stay off the meds.
Yeah its cool b/w you and I. Im a very defensive person and character is just about all that matters to me. I have a lot of learning to do, but since ive been little people that know me well have told me that im far ahead of my age with how I care about people and how i always want to give or help in any way that I can. Within the last week i sent a couple hundred to a poster on eog who is having some problems...thats just one of many times something like that has happened. I dont want anyone to think i would try and make some rule to enhance my chances of winning a few bucks. I just like the fun that comes with the season. Then as bad as things have been here, you just become an easy target for my frustration. I can hold on and hold on to something that doesnt even matter just so that I can take out my frustrations on the wrong person. Im here so much that people here tend to get my ugliness when its cretainly not deserved. Though Im 29 years old as of this past month, I still somehow feel too young to be dealing with all these things here.
My perspective is that you treat each day as if it is that 'one more day'. Inevitably that is a persons lone wish after they lose someone they love. We can never get that one more day, so i try to treat these days as that one day. That is why im a 29 year old living with momma, giving up the social life, giving them my paycheck, and living off basically nothing for the time being. I wont wish I had more girlfriends or had money to have gotten drunk down in dc more often...i will have wished that I was here when they are gone and that is where I am. Perspective and appreciation mean just about everything to me. I write frequently and I find that it helps. I hope so much that your mom is getting by as well as someone can. Its funny that people think those things get easy when you're older, but, as a person gets older, you realize that you never actually change. You age, but your heart is the same and your love doesn't fade, you can never accept the finality of something like losing a parent just because you have so many years of world experience. We are all just older, bigger, kids. We all just want mom and dad to be happy. We all just want to share a laugh and be able to hug our parents and love them unconditionally....just like we did when we were 5, 10, 15, 20, and always will.