NEED A LAUGH?.......
- Thread starter Bucsfan67
- Start date
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]> >A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
>window, "I
> >want to open a fuckin' chequing account."
> >
> >The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have
> >misunderstood you. What did you say?"
> >
> >"Listen up, you deaf fuck. I said I want to open a fuckin' chequing
>account
> >right now!"
> >
> >"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in
>this
> >bank."
> >
> >So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
>manager
> >to
> >tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the
>old
> >geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
> >
> >"There's no fuckin' problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million
>bucks in
> >the fuckin' lottery and I want to open a fuckin' chequing account in
>this
> >fuckin bank!"
> >
> >"I see," says the manager, "and this **** is giving you a hard time, is
>
> >she?
[/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]> >A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
>window, "I
> >want to open a fuckin' chequing account."
> >
> >The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have
> >misunderstood you. What did you say?"
> >
> >"Listen up, you deaf fuck. I said I want to open a fuckin' chequing
>account
> >right now!"
> >
> >"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in
>this
> >bank."
> >
> >So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
>manager
> >to
> >tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the
>old
> >geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
> >
> >"There's no fuckin' problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million
>bucks in
> >the fuckin' lottery and I want to open a fuckin' chequing account in
>this
> >fuckin bank!"
> >
> >"I see," says the manager, "and this **** is giving you a hard time, is
>
> >she?
[/FONT]
Omni
2
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now...what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied.
Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now...what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied.
dirty
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected;
A half-gallon 2 % milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. bag of coffee, and 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected;
A half-gallon 2 % milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. bag of coffee, and 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
The Hormone Hostage
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr valign="top"> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="801">
The Hormone Hostage
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr valign="top"> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="801">
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
<table border="1"> <tbody> <tr valign="top"> <td width="199">
</td></tr></tbody></table><table border="1"> <tbody> <tr valign="top"> <td width="199">
DANGEROUS:
</td> <td width="199"> SAFER:
</td> <td width="199"> SAFEST:
</td> <td width="198"> ULTRA SAFE:
</td></tr> <tr valign="top"> <td width="199"> What's for dinner?
</td> <td width="199"> Can I help you with dinner?
</td> <td width="199"> Where would you like to go for dinner?
</td> <td width="198"> Here, have some wine.
</td></tr> <tr valign="top"> <td width="199"> Are you wearing that?
</td> <td width="199"> Wow, you sure look good in brown!
</td> <td width="199"> WOW! Look at you!
</td> <td width="198"> Here, have some wine
</td></tr> <tr valign="top"> <td width="199"> What are you so worked up about?
</td> <td width="199"> Could we be overreacting?
</td> <td width="199"> Here's my paycheck.
</td> <td width="198"> Here, have some wine.
</td></tr> <tr valign="top"> <td width="199"> Should you be eating that?
</td> <td width="199"> You know, there are a lot of apples left.
</td> <td width="199"> Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
</td> <td width="198"> Here, have some wine.
</td></tr> <tr valign="top"> <td width="199"> What did you DO all day?
</td> <td width="199"> I hope you didn't over-do it today.
</td> <td width="199"> I've always loved you in that robe!
</td> <td width="198"> Here, have some more wine.
</td></tr></tbody></table>
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are >listed below.
>
>Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
>
>1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
>2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
>5-minute intervals.
>
>3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
>ladies rest rooms.
>
>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
>tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watched what happened.
>
>5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
>
>6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
>7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
>
>8. September 23: When a clerk asks if the y can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
>
>9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
>mirror, and picked his nose.
>
>10. November 10: While handling guns in the Sporting Goods
>department, asked the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
>
>11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible theme.
>
>12. December 6: In the Automotives department practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
>
>13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
>
>14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
>
>And last, but not least &..
>
>15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
>awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are >listed below.
>
>Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
>
>1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
>2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
>5-minute intervals.
>
>3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
>ladies rest rooms.
>
>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
>tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watched what happened.
>
>5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
>
>6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
>7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
>
>8. September 23: When a clerk asks if the y can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
>
>9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
>mirror, and picked his nose.
>
>10. November 10: While handling guns in the Sporting Goods
>department, asked the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
>
>11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible theme.
>
>12. December 6: In the Automotives department practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
>
>13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
>
>14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
>
>And last, but not least &..
>
>15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
>awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
[/FONT]
dirty
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to
the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas,
we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars
take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"it's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to
the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas,
we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars
take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"it's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
[FONT=Comic San! s MS]* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
[/FONT]
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
[FONT=Comic ! Sans MS]
[/FONT]*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
[FONT=Comic Sans M! S]
[/FONT]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
[FONT=Comic San! s MS]* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
[/FONT]
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
[FONT=Comic ! Sans MS]
[/FONT]*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
[FONT=Comic Sans M! S]
[/FONT]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
PARTY ANIMAL
A man goes to a party and has much too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back.
They hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits, but finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police produce his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There, sitting in the garage, is the police car, with all the lights still flashing.
A true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting. <o
></o>
PARTY ANIMAL
A man goes to a party and has much too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back.
They hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits, but finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police produce his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There, sitting in the garage, is the police car, with all the lights still flashing.
A true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting. <o
></o>
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zr9Pmc3YSAs" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="425">"><object height="350" width="425">
<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zr9Pmc3YSAs" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="425"></object>
<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zr9Pmc3YSAs" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="425">"><object height="350" width="425">
<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zr9Pmc3YSAs" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="425"></object>
NickPappagiorgio
EOG Dedicated
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Subject: <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Utah</st1lace></st1:State> Motorcycle Ad.....
Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
Expire Date: Sep 6th, 2006 <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the fuck you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292
<o></o>
Subject: <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
ffice:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Utah</st1lace></st1:State> Motorcycle Ad.....Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
Expire Date: Sep 6th, 2006 <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
fficeffice" /><o></o>$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the fuck you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292
<o
></o>
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Church Bulletins: They're Back!
Thank God for the church ladies who type them.
(These actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services):
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------- ----
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------- --------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------- -----
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church Bulletins: They're Back!
Thank God for the church ladies who type them.
(These actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services):
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------- ----
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------- --------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------- -----
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
My Daddy the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."<ZZZ!-- aolmsgpart_2_2aa408c3-fcf9-404a-bdad-38c9e41b681e="" -="" of="" end=""></ZZZ!-->
My Daddy the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."<ZZZ!-- aolmsgpart_2_2aa408c3-fcf9-404a-bdad-38c9e41b681e="" -="" of="" end=""></ZZZ!-->
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Imagine the following: You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and have stepped out on the front steps of the church. The photographer raises his camera. Following a family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together. You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and family eagerly wait. The photographer gives the signal and you and your bride open your hands toward the sky. Not a dry eye anywhere, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity...<o></o>
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Imagine the following: You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and have stepped out on the front steps of the church. The photographer raises his camera. Following a family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together. You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and family eagerly wait. The photographer gives the signal and you and your bride open your hands toward the sky. Not a dry eye anywhere, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity...<o
></o>and you think the doves are going to poop, don't you? <o></o>
></o>
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Old Love
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Old Love
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
<TABLE id=mod_EDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=mod_EDITEXTREGION style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; PADDING-TOP: 0px" width="100%">
NEWFIE MEDICAL DICTIONARY >>
>> Artery........................ The study of paintings
>> Bacteria ......................... Back door to cafeteria
>> Barium ......................... What doctors do when patients die
>> Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
>> Caesarean Section........................ A neighbourhood in Rome
>> Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty
>> Cauterize ......................... Made eye contact with her
>> Colic ......................... A sheep dog
>> Coma ......................... A punctuation mark
>> Dilate ......................... To live long
>> Enema......................... Not a friend
>> Fester ......................... Quicker than someone else
>> Fibula ......................... A small lie
>> Impotent ......................... Distinguished, well known
>> Labour Pain ......................... Getting hurt at work
>> Medical Staff ........................ A Doctor's cane
>> Morbid ......................... A higher offer
>> Nitrates ......................... Cheaper than day rates
>> Node ......................... I knew it
>> Outpatient ......................... A person who has fainted
>> Pelvis ......................... Second cousin to Elvis
>> Post Operative ........................ A letter carrier
>> Recovery Room ........................ Place to do upholstery
>> Secretion ......................... Hiding something
>> Seizure ......................... Roman emperor
>> Tablet ......................... A small table
>> Terminal Illness ........................ Getting sick at the
>> airport
>> Urine ......................... Opposite of you're out
>>
</TD></TR><TR><TD id=mod_EDIFOOTER width="100%"></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<TABLE id=mod_EDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=mod_EDITEXTREGION style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; PADDING-TOP: 0px" width="100%">
NEWFIE MEDICAL DICTIONARY >>
>> Artery........................ The study of paintings
>> Bacteria ......................... Back door to cafeteria
>> Barium ......................... What doctors do when patients die
>> Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
>> Caesarean Section........................ A neighbourhood in Rome
>> Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty
>> Cauterize ......................... Made eye contact with her
>> Colic ......................... A sheep dog
>> Coma ......................... A punctuation mark
>> Dilate ......................... To live long
>> Enema......................... Not a friend
>> Fester ......................... Quicker than someone else
>> Fibula ......................... A small lie
>> Impotent ......................... Distinguished, well known
>> Labour Pain ......................... Getting hurt at work
>> Medical Staff ........................ A Doctor's cane
>> Morbid ......................... A higher offer
>> Nitrates ......................... Cheaper than day rates
>> Node ......................... I knew it
>> Outpatient ......................... A person who has fainted
>> Pelvis ......................... Second cousin to Elvis
>> Post Operative ........................ A letter carrier
>> Recovery Room ........................ Place to do upholstery
>> Secretion ......................... Hiding something
>> Seizure ......................... Roman emperor
>> Tablet ......................... A small table
>> Terminal Illness ........................ Getting sick at the
>> airport
>> Urine ......................... Opposite of you're out
>>
</TD></TR><TR><TD id=mod_EDIFOOTER width="100%"></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
CHILD BIRTH
Should children witness child birth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy
so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,
Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,
and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked <o></o>
him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had
just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place........ smack his ass again. <o></o>
CHILD BIRTH
Should children witness child birth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy
so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,
Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,
and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked <o
></o>him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had
just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place........ smack his ass again. <o
></o>
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 1.5pt; width: 100%;" width="100%"> Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN! SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
</td></tr></tbody></table>
<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 1.5pt; width: 100%;" width="100%"> Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN! SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
</td></tr></tbody></table>
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
The Devil
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night
> >after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center
> >to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his
> >accomplishments and reflect on his long life.
> >
> >One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin
> >to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After
> >a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks,
> >
> >"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
> >
> >She asks, "What?"
> >
> >"SEX!!" he replies.
> >
> >Mildred exclai ms, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I
> >held a gun to your head!"
> >
> >"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
> >just hold it for a while."
> >
> >"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
> >removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they
> >agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would
> >sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
> >
> >Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
> >Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK.
> >She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him
> >sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
> >holding Harold's manhood!
> >
> >Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does
> >Ethel have that I don't have?"
> >
> >Old Harold smiled happily and replied, " Parkinson's..."
Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night
> >after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center
> >to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his
> >accomplishments and reflect on his long life.
> >
> >One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin
> >to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After
> >a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks,
> >
> >"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
> >
> >She asks, "What?"
> >
> >"SEX!!" he replies.
> >
> >Mildred exclai ms, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I
> >held a gun to your head!"
> >
> >"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
> >just hold it for a while."
> >
> >"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
> >removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they
> >agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would
> >sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
> >
> >Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
> >Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK.
> >She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him
> >sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
> >holding Harold's manhood!
> >
> >Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does
> >Ethel have that I don't have?"
> >
> >Old Harold smiled happily and replied, " Parkinson's..."
The Devil
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
>White House Marine Guard
>
>One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
>Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
>
>He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
>meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs.
>Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said,
>"Okay," and walked away.
>
>The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
>same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
>Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs.
>
>Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
>
>The man thanked him and again walked away.
>
>The third Day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
>very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President
>Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
>looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
>been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several
>times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.
>Don't you understand?"
>
>The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your
>answer!"
>
>The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
>White House Marine Guard
>
>One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
>Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
>
>He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
>meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs.
>Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said,
>"Okay," and walked away.
>
>The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
>same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
>Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs.
>
>Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
>
>The man thanked him and again walked away.
>
>The third Day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
>very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President
>Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
>looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
>been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several
>times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.
>Don't you understand?"
>
>The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your
>answer!"
>
>The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
NBA OR NFL?
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
NBA or NFL ?
Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,
Neither,
it's the 535 members ofthe United
States Congress.
The
same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
You
gotta pass this one on!
AND THEY JUST VOTED THEMSELVES
$15,000 PER MONTH PENSION FOR LIFE AFTER SERVING ONLY ONE TERM IN CONGRESS!!
NBA OR NFL?
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
NBA or NFL ?
Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,
Neither,
it's the 535 members ofthe United
States Congress.
The
same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
You
gotta pass this one on!
AND THEY JUST VOTED THEMSELVES
$15,000 PER MONTH PENSION FOR LIFE AFTER SERVING ONLY ONE TERM IN CONGRESS!!
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
The question is: DO YOU COOK WITH BACON GREASE?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on.
It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease.
This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.
It could happen to you...
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
The question is: DO YOU COOK WITH BACON GREASE?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on.
It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease.
This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.
It could happen to you...
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE <o></o>
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in <st1:State w:st="on">California</st1:State> and mine is in <st1:State w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Texas</st1lace></st1:State>.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no
place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;
she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE <o
></o> 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in <st1:State w:st="on">California</st1:State> and mine is in <st1:State w:st="on"><st1
lace w:st="on">Texas</st1lace></st1:State>. 3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no
place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;
she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
dirty
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f---ing funeral director would be my first guess......"
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f---ing funeral director would be my first guess......"
KEYSER SOZE
EOG Member
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
> >>> Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006
> >>>
> >>> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
> >>> me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
> >>>
> >>> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
> >>>
> >>> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
> >>> toast
> >>> of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now And what was your toast?" John
> >>> said," Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
> >>> me
> >>> wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
> >>>
> >>> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
> >>> corner.
> >>>
> >>> The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
> >>> at
> >>> the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I
> >>> was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
> >>> last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
> >>> him
> >>> by the ears to make him come."
> >>> Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006
> >>>
> >>> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
> >>> me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
> >>>
> >>> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
> >>>
> >>> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
> >>> toast
> >>> of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now And what was your toast?" John
> >>> said," Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
> >>> me
> >>> wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
> >>>
> >>> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
> >>> corner.
> >>>
> >>> The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
> >>> at
> >>> the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I
> >>> was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
> >>> last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
> >>> him
> >>> by the ears to make him come."
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying[
off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all.
Jesse drank the concoction and replied, "God, that tasted like bull shit!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying[
off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all.
Jesse drank the concoction and replied, "God, that tasted like bull shit!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of
her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted
teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really great..........
Some asshole's got my pen.
A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of
her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted
teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really great..........
Some asshole's got my pen.
dirty
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed
sexobsessed pig, "she retorted indignantly. "In this
country. we don't speak aloud in public places about
our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '
Mississippi."
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed
sexobsessed pig, "she retorted indignantly. "In this
country. we don't speak aloud in public places about
our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '
Mississippi."
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!