Re: American Idol 2009- Season 8 Thread and Discussion
American Idol Season 8- Final 13- March 10, 2009
Each week the two hours of American Idol is usually enough to make me seek escape. More often times than not, the bottle is my solace to numb the pain of flat pitches, desperate fame whoring, and scripted diatribes. Recently my liver has told me that perhaps discretion may be the better part of valor and it is necessary to find a new from of escape to dull this aching that is know as Idol. When times are tough and people need an escape, the cinema can often carry us away to enchanted and faraway places. So pack your bags and smuggle in some popcorn, ?let?s go to the movies!?- American Idol style.
Instead of ?12 Angry Men? this year we are faced with 13 finalists. Have no fear though as we will have a double elimination somewhere along the way so as not to further prolong our agony. The Academy Awards have Hugh Jackman as their host, Idol has their own host who jacks men, if you believe the rumors, Ryan Seacrest. Obligatory ego-stroking of the judges to start. There they are: dawg, durr, drunk, and dick. The previews are over, the lights have been dimmed. It?s showtime.
Let?s get the semantics out of the way. 1) Two people are going home tonight. Bye-bye, man?s man. 2) Tonight?s theme is songs by a creepy pedophile. Yeah, this show is ?Bad?.
Lil Rounds, aka ?Rear Window? (have you seen that booty) is leading off the show. When she speaks she sounds about as uneducated as ?Fantasia?. Lil, let?s be honest there is nothing ?lil about her ass, is hoping to be one of this year?s ?Dreamgirls?. Miss Rounds gives a thoroughly uninspiring rendition of ?The Way You Make me Feel?. Honestly, I feel sick and kinda gay right now watching this. Can we just crown Lil honorary LaToya London/Melinda Doolitle/Tamyra Gray/Jennifer Hudson shocking diva elimination around the last 3 or 4 and move on?
The walking ?Saturday Night Live? skit is up second, Scott McIntyre. Simply put Scott lacks the vocal chops to come close to winning. I highly ?Doubt? he even comes close. Blind Melon McIntyre is going to have to use his ?Sixth Sense? and his piano skills to stay alive (stayin? alive, stayin? alive). Scott is apparently going for the blind and deaf vote tonight as his singing is gong-show worthy. Of course, they will no doubt play up the sympathy factor for him but it will be a hollow act of ?Defiance? as he clearly has no shot. (LOL at the moron odds makers putting him anywhere near low odds, he?s closer to a million to one than 10 to 1.)
Up next is ?The Dark Knight? Danny Gokey. Contrary to rumors he will not be singing ?Pet Sematary? or ?Dead Calm?. Hokey Gokey actually thinks he can pull a David Cook on us and change random stuff up. What an absolutely horrible, hideous church worship performance in a completely bad way (just so I?m not misinterpreted here) of ?P.Y.T.? All that was missing from that train wreck was Whoopi Goldberg and the nuns from ?Sister Act? singing backup. After that it looks like I?m going to need another ?Cocktail?.
Here comes our ?Midnight Cowboy? Michael Sarver. Unless he shocks us it will be ?Goodbye, Mr. Chips? and back to ?Nashville? or whatever B.F.E. town he is from. The thing I like about the man?s man is that he at least recognizes he?s not that great and doesn?t run around dancing like an idiot or try and sing stuff that is out of his range. Was it great by any means, hell no. But the fact he?s not delusional, whoring out family members, or singing ridiculous runs makes him the first to avoid the wrath of the Doberman. Nice job, man?s man, nice job.
Jasmine Murray was almost ?Gone With the Wind? before last week?s wild card show saved her. The Mississippi southern belle is breaking out another of her pageant numbers with ?I?ll be There?. Jasmine tries to go the ?Little Miss Sunshine? route but falls completely flat on any challenging notes. If cuteness earns votes, she has a chance. If vocal ability is the determining factor, she?s got all the promise of the blind guy. Simply put, she?s no Jordin Sparks. At this stage, she?s Lisa Tucker. ?Strange Days? indeed.
Kris Allen is from Conway, Arkansas. These intros are worse than a visit to the dentist?s office. Kris is channeling the ghost of Jason Castro past and breaking out the acoustic guitar for ?Remember the Time?. Will this be his shining moment or will it be his ?Misery?? It?s a bit quirky and forced but the teenybopper crowd will love his subpar John Mayer-esque performance. Seems a nice enough guy. Seems pretty forgettable as well.
The ?Dumb and Dumber? references are too easy for Allison Iraheta. Time to go to the milk bar for Idol?s version of ?A Clockwork Orange?. Bitch stole the Bathroom Girl?s cover song, ?Give in to Me?. Oh you don?t dare go there with me (Bathroom Girl is sacred ground in Doberville). Allison seemed to be singing a completely different song and it was more disjointed than Michael Jackson at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch. I have never been more perplexed and underwhelmed. Well, at least until the next singer goes on.
Anoop, the most boring guy they try to make interesting, Desai is on now for those still conscious. For those not conscious, I?m envious. It?s almost like ?Slumdog Millionaire? Idol knows that at some point the?s going to have to break out the Sanjaya antics. Anoop doesn?t come from a broken home or have a sob story, ergo he has no chance. Anoop-Dogg is rocking, ok more like bowling alley karaoke-ing, ?Beat It?. Props for borrowing the member?s only jacket from PO69, no props for singing the entire song off-key. Move over P-Diddy, Anoop is a ?Dead Man Walking?.
Whore-gay is challenging the Idol Karma Gods by singing a song with the word ?Goodbye? in it. Nice racist touch by the Idol producers giving his brother subtitles in the intro even though he is speaking perfectly good English. Jorge is gayer than Sean Penn in ?Milk? and he gives off that crazy Cruz vibe of ?Vicky Cristina Barcelona?. It sounds rather cruise-ship and a bit off-key but he still can sing unlike other male contestants (are you listening Scott and Anoop?). Not his best by far, but then again everyone on this show sucks so it?s par for the course.
Megan Corkrey is Idol?s ?Rebel Without a Cause?. She can distinguish herself from the crowd by actually singing well. Lofty goal on this sewer of a show to be sure. Will Megan be able to ?Walk the Line? and advance? Let the pimpage of Princess Corkrey begin. Single mom angle with a shot of divorce for the win. ?Rocking Robin? is obviously a Michael Jackson standard?in Idol-bizarre world. Her stage fright translates to quirkiness and awkward dancing but she is the only voice that has any semblance of depth on the show. May as well trash her and get rid of her and remove any semblance of talent.
Wilkommen to Adam Lambert?s ?Cabaret?. Sorry ladies, boys only in this club. FFS, the ?Changeling? is singing ?Black or White?. It is the second of no doubt an infinite string of ridiculously theatrical over-the-top performances from ?Psycho? Adam. If he keeps going at this rate, the blow job pictures won?t even be necessary. Paula?s comments say it all: dipduhgidbahladeefackshipzipblah. Indeed.
When did Justin Timberlake get Down?s Syndrome? Oh, that?s just Matt Giraud. Someone should probably tell him his hat is on crooked. Matt thinks he is a ?Jazz Singer? when in reality he?s just that lousy guy playing for tips at your neighborhood bar. Sure hope he gets college credit for this abomination. It?s about as soulful as a Southern soul food restaurant in Salt Lake City. Woop-dee-doo, he plays ?The Piano?. Not even that well.
How appropriate on Michael Jackson night that they close the show with Macaulay Culkin singing in drag. Alexis Grace doesn?t look like she?s spent many nights ?Home Alone? and that ensemble makes her look more like an ?Easy Rider?. Stellar intro piece, her family is white trash and she?s a whore. That will get the sheep voting. Any minute now the tequila and Xanax will kick in so I?ll keep it brief. She?s an unattractive whore and a mediocre singer to boot.
Fade to black. Roll credits.