DUBLIN — Overlooked in the chaotic situation that unfolded in recent days, Irish citizens made history as they engaged in violent rioting while completely sober for the first time ever.
"This is truly unprecedented," said Professor Blake Rumsey, sociologist and lead historian at the Institute of Knowledge. "Throughout recorded history, we've never seen this type of Irish upheaval in the absence of copious amounts of beer, whiskey, and Bailey's Irish Cream. It is both surprising and impressive to see Irish citizens proving their collective ability to stage a riot while not the least bit intoxicated."
Irish citizens in Dublin began to violently protest the nation's unfettered immigration policies after a migrant injured multiple children last week, shocking authorities with both the riot itself and their sobriety. "We surein' were not expectin' a wild band o' sober hooligans," said Patrick O'Shaughnessy, Dublin Police spokesman. "We're used t'dealin' with a rowdy bunch o' drunken rabble-rousers, but this was very different. Turns out rioters are much more dangerous when they aren't properly hammered."
Researchers had to look all the way back to the early 1700s to find a comparable event, though it is believed the Irish protestors at the time were still hung over and rioting over wanting more whiskey. "We thought that Unrest of 1716 may have been the last sober riot," Rumsey said, "I guess we were wrong."
At publishing time, Dublin authorities were reportedly trying to decide between facing additional sober rioters or attempting to ply the mob with alcohol.