Yankees welcome their newest member

March 24, 2006
The Unthinkable

Tom Brady Signs with the Yankees

by Peter Manzo (<SCRIPT type=text/javascript>document.write('\x3c\x61\x20\x68\x72\x65\x66\x3d\x22\x6d\x61\x69\x6c\x74\x6f\x3a\x6d\x61\x6e\x7a\x6f\x40\x62\x61\x72\x73\x74\x6f\x6f\x6c\x73\x70\x6f\x72\x74\x73\x2e\x63\x6f\x6d\x22\x3e\x6d\x61\x6e\x7a\x6f\x40\x62\x61\x72\x73\x74\x6f\x6f\x6c\x73\x70\x6f\x72\x74\x73\x2e\x63\x6f\x6d\x3c\x2f\x61\x3e');</SCRIPT> [email protected])
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Foxboro, Massachusetts ? Well it?s gone from bad to horror film today for New England Sports Fan Nation. In a mass winter exodus that has already seen star athletes Kevin Millar, Johnny Damon, Willie McGinest, David Givens, Bronson ?Pink Houses? Arroyo and most recently Adam Vinateri skip town for greener pastures and better looking women; Barstool Sports has learned the unthinkable: Patriot quarterback Tom Brady has just announced he is quitting football and signing a 1 year contract with the New York Yankees.
?Ever since I was a little kid I?ve always wanted to live and play in New York? said Brady earlier today as he packed up his locker at Gillette, ?And I?ve always dreamed about putting on the pinstripes...?
Brady continued, ?My dad was a big Yankee fan. Loved the Mick. I actually wore #7 all throughout my youth??
Brady paused to shed a tear? took a deep breath, and went on?.barely?. ?And to have the opportunity (Brady chokes up again) to sign with the greatest team in the history of humanity (and again) was something (and again) I just couldn?t pass up.? (Brady breaks down hysterically. But thankfully is consoled by WEEI?s Pete Shepard, who happened to be in Brady?s locker at the time.)
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Brady, now composed, continued, ?Yeah, Mr. Steinbrenner and Mr. Torre both told me I?d probably never see any on-field action. But that didn?t dissuade me one bit?. Just to be around Mr. Jeter and Mr. Posada and Mr. Rodriguez?.. I ju-, I ju-? I just want to be part of a winner again.?
Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman had this to say, ?Hey, he called us. It was a no-brainer? Any time you can add a Tom Brady to your roster, you have to pull the trigger.?
Brady?s departure has obviously sent shockwaves throughout the Boston area. Fans are reportedly lining up 6-7 deep at each major bridge, sky scraper, pub, and Mass Pike underpass.
Some fans, however, have taken it in stride. Jim from Southie had this to say, ?Well it?s a salary cap move. Not a lot of people understand that. Pats offered him 2 years/$15 million, Yankees offered him 1 year for 50. What are you gonna do??
Others fans actually started trashing the 3-time Superbowl champ before he even boarded his new pinstriped, private jet with interlocking NY on the right and the words ?26 time World Champs? on the left.
?Fuck him? said Tony from East Bridgewater. ?Fuck that no good GQ California mother fucker? Did you see the Denver game?! He was fuckin? horrible! I for one have had enough of this guy...?
Tony later added, ?Arod?s gay.?
Barstool Sports left a voice mail for Pats? head coach Bill Belichick and strangely enough, he replied to us via Barstool?s own ?MySpace? page late last night:
?Hey dudes, love the site. Great party last Thursday. Listen, obviously none of you are even remotely close to being as smart as me. I know WTF I?m doing? Just everybody stay calm... Now if you?ll excuse me, I have to go call Drew Bledsoe. By the way, what are you up to this weekend?! LOL :)) :)) :)) ?
Brady and the Yankees open the 2006 season Monday April 3<SUP>rd</SUP> in Oakland, ironically just minutes away from Brady?s hometown of San Mateo.
?My whole family will be there?hopefully I can pinch run or something? said the newest Yankee, now smiling and full of life, ?I don?t know, maybe they?ll let me warm up Scott Proctor...?
When asked if he had any parting words for the citizens of Patriot Nation, Brady replied, ?No. Not really.?
Needless to say it?s certainly been a rough couple of months for Boston fans, but today, March 23, 2006, is a day that will truly live in infamy, as Tom Brady has signed with the Yankees.
In other news, this just in - the Red Sox have announced Willy Mo Pena?s bat-speed has returned to his 2004 form when he hit a career high, .259.