From the suburbs of Northern Virginia . . .
POOBA: Folks, were back for another election cycle drubbing of the Liberals! Our mission is to put them in their place! Through the efforts of you and other like minded TPers, we can achieve victory in November 2016! (crowd applauds) We are on a roll! Don't consider the election of 2012 or 2008 or 2000 or 1996 or 1992 bring you down. They were abberations! (crowd applauds) And, oh by the way, you can check in your guns at the front door . . . no, I read that wrong, YOU CAN CHECK OUT A GUN AT THE FRONT DOOR! (crowd laughs!) As you already know, those "Fairness People" in Washington DC require us to bring on both points of view (crowd boos), but it's OUR turn right now. Please welcome the mother of the mainstream, the voice of the silent majority, MICHELLE BACHMANN! (crowd gives Michelle a standing ovation . . . )
MICHELLE B: Thank you Pooba it's an honor to be here! I just want the crowd to know, not only are we going to take our country back, but we're also going to take back Northern Virginia from the throes of communism! (crowd goes bezerk!) Do you hear me Alexandria? Do you hear me Falls Church? We got to stop this incessant encroachment of this administration, his wife and his dog!
POOBA: Now Michelle, what specifically irks you about the federal government the most!
MICHELLE B: The wasteful spending! We're doling out trillions on food stamps, medicare, Obamacare etc. Senators are using the taxpayers money for pork barrel earmarks that only serve themselves.
POOBA: How do you know this?
MICHELLE B: Because I do all of the above. I'm an expert, so to speak.
POOBA: You do?
MICHELLE B: Yes, see I'm in a secret underground tea party investigation gathering evidence of malfeance. So far my family has collected over a quarter million dollars worth of evidence . . .
SHOUT FROM THE CROWD: You get 'em Michelle!
MICHELLE B: Oh believe me, I'm getting 'em . . . lots of 'em and I've only just begun . . . (crowd applauds)
POOBA: Give us some more examples, Michelle . . .
MICHELLE B: Well, my husband's business has collected over a $100,000 in medicare payments for his clinical work.
POOBA: What exactly does he do?
MICHELLE B: He convinces gay people to go straight! (crowd applauds)
POOBA: Wow! That sounds like a lot of work!
MICHELLE B: Oh it is and he's such a hard worker! I mean real hard work! In fact I hardly ever see him . . . it's been so long since he's even "touched" me . . .
POOBA: I'm sorry, why doesn't he hire some help?
MICHELLE B: He does have one assistant, Dick. Him and Dick go back a long ways. He's been working Dick tirelessly. In fact, he's made Dick the head of the conversion program.
POOBA: Sounds like he's been spending a lot of time with Dick. Do you think Dick is doing a good job too?
MICHELLE B: Sometimes, I find Dick hard to swallow. I've suggested he find some more help but he says he doesn't want to leave Dick dangling . . .
POOBA: What about the subject of same-sex marriage?
MICHELLE B: It's an outrage! God created us to be fruitful and multiply!
POOBA: Is your husband fruitful?
MICHELLE B: Very much so . . .
POOBA: Now Michelle, our founding fathers wanted a separation of church and state. Do you think it's wise to inflict your religious beliefs as a politician?
MICHELLE B: Of course it is Pooba! Look, we Christians are the majority. Besides, what does Christianity stand for? It stands for goodwill amongst men and women. It teaches us not to commit adultery and it teaches us to obey . . .
POOBA: What's your favorite commandment?
MICHELLE B: That's easy Pooba, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR . . . even if you disagree with them . . .
POOBA: And if you were elected president, what would be your first actions?
MICHELLE B: NUKE IRAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the crowd gives roars in approval)
POOBA: Um, thank you Michelle for stopping by. Join us next time when we roast a liberal. See you then . . .
POOBA: Folks, were back for another election cycle drubbing of the Liberals! Our mission is to put them in their place! Through the efforts of you and other like minded TPers, we can achieve victory in November 2016! (crowd applauds) We are on a roll! Don't consider the election of 2012 or 2008 or 2000 or 1996 or 1992 bring you down. They were abberations! (crowd applauds) And, oh by the way, you can check in your guns at the front door . . . no, I read that wrong, YOU CAN CHECK OUT A GUN AT THE FRONT DOOR! (crowd laughs!) As you already know, those "Fairness People" in Washington DC require us to bring on both points of view (crowd boos), but it's OUR turn right now. Please welcome the mother of the mainstream, the voice of the silent majority, MICHELLE BACHMANN! (crowd gives Michelle a standing ovation . . . )
MICHELLE B: Thank you Pooba it's an honor to be here! I just want the crowd to know, not only are we going to take our country back, but we're also going to take back Northern Virginia from the throes of communism! (crowd goes bezerk!) Do you hear me Alexandria? Do you hear me Falls Church? We got to stop this incessant encroachment of this administration, his wife and his dog!
POOBA: Now Michelle, what specifically irks you about the federal government the most!
MICHELLE B: The wasteful spending! We're doling out trillions on food stamps, medicare, Obamacare etc. Senators are using the taxpayers money for pork barrel earmarks that only serve themselves.
POOBA: How do you know this?
MICHELLE B: Because I do all of the above. I'm an expert, so to speak.
POOBA: You do?
MICHELLE B: Yes, see I'm in a secret underground tea party investigation gathering evidence of malfeance. So far my family has collected over a quarter million dollars worth of evidence . . .
SHOUT FROM THE CROWD: You get 'em Michelle!
MICHELLE B: Oh believe me, I'm getting 'em . . . lots of 'em and I've only just begun . . . (crowd applauds)
POOBA: Give us some more examples, Michelle . . .
MICHELLE B: Well, my husband's business has collected over a $100,000 in medicare payments for his clinical work.
POOBA: What exactly does he do?
MICHELLE B: He convinces gay people to go straight! (crowd applauds)
POOBA: Wow! That sounds like a lot of work!
MICHELLE B: Oh it is and he's such a hard worker! I mean real hard work! In fact I hardly ever see him . . . it's been so long since he's even "touched" me . . .
POOBA: I'm sorry, why doesn't he hire some help?
MICHELLE B: He does have one assistant, Dick. Him and Dick go back a long ways. He's been working Dick tirelessly. In fact, he's made Dick the head of the conversion program.
POOBA: Sounds like he's been spending a lot of time with Dick. Do you think Dick is doing a good job too?
MICHELLE B: Sometimes, I find Dick hard to swallow. I've suggested he find some more help but he says he doesn't want to leave Dick dangling . . .
POOBA: What about the subject of same-sex marriage?
MICHELLE B: It's an outrage! God created us to be fruitful and multiply!
POOBA: Is your husband fruitful?
MICHELLE B: Very much so . . .
POOBA: Now Michelle, our founding fathers wanted a separation of church and state. Do you think it's wise to inflict your religious beliefs as a politician?
MICHELLE B: Of course it is Pooba! Look, we Christians are the majority. Besides, what does Christianity stand for? It stands for goodwill amongst men and women. It teaches us not to commit adultery and it teaches us to obey . . .
POOBA: What's your favorite commandment?
MICHELLE B: That's easy Pooba, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR . . . even if you disagree with them . . .
POOBA: And if you were elected president, what would be your first actions?
MICHELLE B: NUKE IRAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the crowd gives roars in approval)
POOBA: Um, thank you Michelle for stopping by. Join us next time when we roast a liberal. See you then . . .