NEED A LAUGH?.......
- Thread starter Bucsfan67
- Start date
Ego74
1
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
WHY?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to
buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says --
"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be
possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going
wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10
miles away?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already
there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near
miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on,
when it's off you can't see to read.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
WHY?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to
buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says --
"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be
possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going
wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10
miles away?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already
there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near
miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on,
when it's off you can't see to read.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="100%"><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 99.46%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="99%">[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'] WOMAN'S LOVE POEM[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Before I lay me down to sleep,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I pray for a man, who's not a creep,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']One who's handsome, smart and strong[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']One who loves to listen long,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']One who thinks before he speaks,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']One who'll call, not wait for weeks.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I pray he's gainfully employed,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Pulls out my chair and opens my door,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Massages my back and begs to do more.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I pray that this man will love me to no end,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']And always be my very best friend.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']MAN'S LOVE POEM[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.[/FONT]
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="100%"><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 99.46%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="99%">[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'] WOMAN'S LOVE POEM[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Before I lay me down to sleep,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I pray for a man, who's not a creep,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']One who's handsome, smart and strong[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']One who loves to listen long,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']One who thinks before he speaks,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']One who'll call, not wait for weeks.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I pray he's gainfully employed,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Pulls out my chair and opens my door,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Massages my back and begs to do more.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I pray that this man will love me to no end,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']And always be my very best friend.[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']MAN'S LOVE POEM[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.[/FONT]
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Subject: Middle Aged Woman
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the Hospital.<o
></o>
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.<o></o>
Seeing God, she asked, is my time up? God said "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."<o></o>
Upon recovery, the woman Decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.<o></o>
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.<o></o>
While Crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.<o></o>
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, I thought you Said I had another 40 years ? Why didn't you pull me out of the path Of the ambulance?<o></o>
God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you".<o></o>
<o>
</o>
Subject: Middle Aged Woman
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the Hospital.<o
></o>While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.<o
></o>Seeing God, she asked, is my time up? God said "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."<o
></o>Upon recovery, the woman Decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.<o
></o>After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.<o
></o>While Crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.<o
></o>Arriving in front of God, she demanded, I thought you Said I had another 40 years ? Why didn't you pull me out of the path Of the ambulance?<o
></o>God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you".<o
></o><o
></o
>
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Elderly Foreplay
The first old woman told the second old woman that
sometimes she gets
her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed and
putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great
idea, so that night
when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for
bed, she got
totally naked and began the process of putting her
legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit
arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so
she rocked herself
backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that
she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt
sticking straight up in
the air. It was just then that her hu sband came out of
the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your
hair and put your
teeth in .... You look like an asshole."
Elderly Foreplay
The first old woman told the second old woman that
sometimes she gets
her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed and
putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great
idea, so that night
when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for
bed, she got
totally naked and began the process of putting her
legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit
arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so
she rocked herself
backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that
she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt
sticking straight up in
the air. It was just then that her hu sband came out of
the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your
hair and put your
teeth in .... You look like an asshole."
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Subject: Fw: MUSIC OF THE TREE
Subject: Fw: MUSIC OF THE TREE
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..........."
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..........."
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
An elderly couple were having lunch in a tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
An elderly couple were having lunch in a tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery ."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this..............
Buy a ticket!"
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery ."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this..............
Buy a ticket!"
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Blondie
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Guaranteed to make you smile.... [ Not proven to be
fact - Only Neil Armstrong would know for sure][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Guaranteed to make you smile.... [ Not proven to be
fact - Only Neil Armstrong would know for sure][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions. Just as he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space program.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Over the years many questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by the bedroom window. His neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"[/FONT]
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
<table id="INCREDIMAINTABLE" border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody> <tr> <td id="INCREDITEXTREGION" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 12pt; direction: ltr;" width="100%">
> A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
> During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
> furiously.
>
> 'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
> that?'
>
> The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry
> that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
> where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
> at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles
> could easily rupture.'
>
> 'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.
>
> As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in
> bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
>
> Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
>
> Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan.'
</td></tr></tbody></table>
<table id="INCREDIMAINTABLE" border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody> <tr> <td id="INCREDITEXTREGION" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 12pt; direction: ltr;" width="100%">
> A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
> During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
> furiously.
>
> 'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
> that?'
>
> The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry
> that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
> where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
> at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles
> could easily rupture.'
>
> 'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.
>
> As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in
> bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
>
> Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
>
> Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan.'
</td></tr></tbody></table>
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
: Kids!
<TT>A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell'
and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
</TT>
: Kids!
<TT>A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell'
and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
</TT>
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Subject: Chinese Laundry
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese
Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,
So,The following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!
"The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean Laundry was
delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
Subject: Chinese Laundry
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese
Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,
So,The following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!
"The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean Laundry was
delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag...'
'Damn!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium.. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!'
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his thing through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it
comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in
the other bag?'
'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay'
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag...'
'Damn!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium.. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!'
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his thing through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it
comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in
the other bag?'
'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay'
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]
'HEADACHE'
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, [/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, [/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]as usual, 'I have a headache.'[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]'Perfect,' her husband said.'[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.'[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]'You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'[/FONT]
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
'I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother'.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). 'Anything?' he asked.
'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised..
'Well then, just follow me', said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man .
'Come in and close the door' the man said. She did.
He then said 'Now get on your knees.' She did.
'Now take down my zipper'. She did.
'Now go ahead . Take it out....' he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered 'Well............ Go ahead'.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said..........
'Hello. Mom can you hear me ?
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
'I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother'.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). 'Anything?' he asked.
'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised..
'Well then, just follow me', said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man .
'Come in and close the door' the man said. She did.
He then said 'Now get on your knees.' She did.
'Now take down my zipper'. She did.
'Now go ahead . Take it out....' he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered 'Well............ Go ahead'.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said..........
'Hello. Mom can you hear me ?
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
Oil Change instructions for Women :
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look f or 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with o! nly a mi nor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Oil Change instructions for Women :
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look f or 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with o! nly a mi nor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
HISTORY LESSON 101:
For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Onc e beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservat ives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of De mocratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are sta ndard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, golfers, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That i s why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers
HISTORY LESSON 101:
For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Onc e beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservat ives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of De mocratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are sta ndard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, golfers, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That i s why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money."
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands, then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..."Well ... go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ......tentatively said ....
"Hello? Mom, can you hear me?"
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money."
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands, then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..."Well ... go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ......tentatively said ....
"Hello? Mom, can you hear me?"
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG
CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 litres of water down
throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG:
1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter.
Make him beg.
HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG
CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 litres of water down
throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG:
1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter.
Make him beg.
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil:
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
sleeping.
"Tell me Susi e, who created the universe?"
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back
asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
...
...
...
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up & shouted,
...
...
...
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted!
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil:
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
sleeping.
"Tell me Susi e, who created the universe?"
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back
asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
...
...
...
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up & shouted,
...
...
...
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted!
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
LEAVING WORK EARLY
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she
know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed
early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the
spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early
and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a
muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door
and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed
the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the
brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the
blonde if she was going to go with them. 'No way,' the blonde exclaimed.
'I almost got caught yesterday.'
LEAVING WORK EARLY
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she
know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed
early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the
spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early
and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a
muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door
and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed
the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the
brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the
blonde if she was going to go with them. 'No way,' the blonde exclaimed.
'I almost got caught yesterday.'
Bucsfan67
EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......
the Cowboy at the pearly gates....
ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter
asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy
offered. "Once, on a trip
to the Black Hills in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of
bikers who
were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her
alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and
most heavily
tattooed biker, smacked him in the face, kicked his bike
over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I
yelled, 'Now back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago..."
the Cowboy at the pearly gates....
ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter
asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy
offered. "Once, on a trip
to the Black Hills in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of
bikers who
were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her
alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and
most heavily
tattooed biker, smacked him in the face, kicked his bike
over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I
yelled, 'Now back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago..."