NEED A LAUGH?.......

Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Blondes................Gotta love em

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some
carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing
down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail , and
either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails
aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
movie?



They had gone to see "Closed for the winter."
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss
asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early
this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it,
and I have the best chance of doing that here.."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims
the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother
died, too!"

I think that I know some people just like these, and they aren't
even blonde !!!!
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A couple had been married for 50 years. ​
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." ​
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." ​
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." ​
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. ​
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." ​
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal​
 
PassTheRock

PassTheRock

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

<TT>Three women: one engaged, one married and one a Mistress, are chatting</TT>

<TT>about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night</TT></PRE>
<TT>all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over</TT></PRE>
<TT>their eyes.</TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT></PRE>
<TT>After a few days they meet up for Lunch.</TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT></PRE>
<TT>The engaged Woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found</TT></PRE>
<TT>me with a Black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and</TT></PRE>
<TT>said, 'You are The woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all</TT></PRE>
<TT>night Long.</TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT></PRE>
<TT>The mistress: </TT></PRE>
<TT>Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was Wearing</TT></PRE>
<TT>the leather bodice, heels, and mask over my eyes and a raincoat... When</TT></PRE>
<TT>I Opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all</TT></PRE>
<TT>Night.</TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT></PRE>
<TT>The married Woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the</TT></PRE>
<TT>night. </TT></PRE>
<TT>When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black</TT></PRE>
<TT>stockings, Stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as </TT></PRE>
<TT>he came in the door and saw me he Said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'</TT></PRE>
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

PassTheRock said:
<tt>Three women: one engaged, one married and one a Mistress, are chatting</tt>

<tt>about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night</tt>
<tt>all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over</tt>
<tt>their eyes.</tt>
<tt></tt>
<tt>After a few days they meet up for Lunch.</tt>
<tt></tt>
<tt>The engaged Woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found</tt>
<tt>me with a Black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and</tt>
<tt>said, 'You are The woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all</tt>
<tt>night Long.</tt>
<tt></tt>
<tt>The mistress: </tt>
<tt>Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was Wearing</tt>
<tt>the leather bodice, heels, and mask over my eyes and a raincoat... When</tt>
<tt>I Opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all</tt>
<tt>Night.</tt>
<tt></tt>
<tt>The married Woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the</tt>
<tt>night. </tt>
<tt>When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black</tt>
<tt>stockings, Stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as </tt>
<tt>he came in the door and saw me he Said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'</tt>
Click to expand...



:+textinb3
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her Husband died.


But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.


He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? "

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Doctors Never Laugh
>>>
>>> Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they
>>> ever laughed at
>>> their patients' problems. the Doctor replied 'Of
>>> course I won't laugh, I'm a
>>> professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed
>>> at a patient.' Okay
>>> then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his
>>> trousers, revealing the
>>> tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It
>>> couldn't have been bigger
>>> than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself,
>>> the doctor
>>> started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten
>>> minutes later he was
>>> able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
>>> I'm so sorry,' said
>>> the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came
>>> over me. On my honor as a
>>> doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
>>> again. Now, what seems to
>>> be the problem?'
>>>
>>> It's swollen,' Scott replied
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

The Vicar's Chickens.........

The priest in a small English village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!


"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!
 
kid44

kid44

EOG Dedicated
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

This guy was born with no ears. He strived from all the abuse as a kid and ended up owning his own firm.
He was hiring so he told the secretary to send the first interviewy in. Boss says, most important quality in any of my employees is the power of observation, with that, what do you notice different about me? Guy says, sir you have no ears. Boss says he will be in touch and please tell the sec. to send the next person in. In passing the guy says to the next guy, dont say anything about his ears. Whatever.
Next guy sits down and the boss goes through the same question. The guy answers " you wear contact lenses dont you". Boss says he is very observant and hires him on the spot.
On the way out the boss says " how did you know I wear contact lenses?

Guy says " If you had any ears you would be wearing glasses!
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

The sharing of marriage...


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half
in front of his wife.

He t hen carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and
neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around
them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to bu y another meal for the old couple. The old man said, th ey were
just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for
them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you , we are used to sharing
everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered





THE TEETH
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Wise Old Jewish Man


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"


"Morris Fishbien," he replied.


"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."


"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"


"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless




Adam was hanging around the garde n of Eden feeling very lonely.



So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"



Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.



God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.


He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you .


She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.


She will praise you!

She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.


"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."



Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"



God replied, "An arm and a leg."


Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"



Of course the rest is history............!!!!
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' ​


'Yes, Father, it is.' ​

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' ​

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' ​

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' ​

'Four months vacation and five good leads. ​
 
B

Brock

EOG Dedicated
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman
tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her
free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

His reply next post.
 
938four

938four

EOG Dedicated
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too
 
938four

938four

EOG Dedicated
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5 iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?'

'Yes' says the woman.

'Did you hit him with that golf club?'

'Yes, yes, I did.' The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

'How many times did you hit him?'

'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.... just put me down for a five.
 
biggamer3

biggamer3

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

haha thats great

but if u want tolast long at this site dont make jokes about The Shrink anymore
 
938four

938four

EOG Dedicated
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Q: Why did the magazine editor go see a shrink ?shrink?
A: He had some issues.

Q: Why did the casino's black-jack person go see a shrink?
A: He couldn't deal with it any more.
 
938four

938four

EOG Dedicated
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went to the shrink's office, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked the man a few questions, took some notes, then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, the shrink looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
 
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