American Idol Season 8- Top 10 - March 24, 2009
Every year as the flowers start to bloom and the changing of the seasons is upon us, Americans are stirred into a frenzy with that greatest of scripted drama. No, we are not talking about American Idol although arguments could be made. Sharp minds know that the eve of Wrestlemania is nearly upon us. In tribute to those bad acting, reading from a script, overly dramatic actors (not to be confused with Durr, Duh, Drunk, and Dick aka Randy, Kara, Paula, and Simon) we bring you the Battle Royale edition of the top ten of Idolmania.
Sadly there is no Lillian Garcia doing the announcing. The lame intros make us long for even Howard Finkelman. We don?t get the ?Fink?, but a fink in the form of Ryan Seacrest. Cue the time-killing banter and unnecessary montage as the contestants make their way to the ring, er stage.
Much like the Royal Rumble it is never good to draw the number one slot on Idol. Idol?s version of the WWE?s Festus, Matt Giraud, climbs through the ropes. Festus Giraud is ready to get it on, Marvin Gaye-style. The outfit is more Matt Stryker than Idol and Festus-Idol reverts back to the TGIMcFunster lame performance that he looked like he might be getting away from. It was more Chavo Guerrerro than Eddy Guerrero but the judges have more agendas than Stephanie McMahon at a prenuptial symposium thus the subtle pimpage begins.
Up next is the Heartbreak Kid, Kris Allen. Revealing he was married early on may have broke some girls hearts around the country not to mention cost him some votes as well. HBKA is basically a more likeable, less douchey version of Jason Castro. While he may not have been the ?Showstopper? with that, Heartbreak Kris may have just earned himself at least a title shot. He?s gone from curtain jerker to main eventer in a matter of weeks.
Remember when Greg Brady donned his alter ego Johnny Bravo to be a rock star? That?s where I know Scott McIntyre from. He?s our Idol version of the Big Red Machine, Kane. He unmasks his gayness in the intro when he says he is waiting for that special person. You mean special girl, right? No, the Big Gay Blind Machine means person. Blind gay people must be a truly niche demographic. As far his performance, the living breathing Saturday Night Live sketch sucks yet again. Tick, tock, tick, tock your 15 minutes are almost up Big Gay Blind Machine.
I haven?t seen someone this tatted up since Umaga made his debut. Megan Joy, the Idol not the porn star, sports more colors than a gay pride parade. The Idol Bulldozer is running people over with her jazzy quirkiness. Like a Bill Murray movie, ?For Once in my Life? is completely lost in translation by the unique Idol. An utter train wreck by Megan that brought us no joy. For all we know that could have been Umaga singing as it may have been the worst performance of the season. With Big Gay Blind Machine in this still, that is saying something.
Lumbering down the entrance ramp is The Great Khali, Anoop the Junkyard Dog. It?s the year of the Indian and Khali Desai is going back to his crooning ballad roots. The last time an Indian was this soulful was when Priya Rai did a shoot with Mandingo (really obscure porn reference folks). It?s pleasant enough, slightly dragged, and lacked any real excitement. Sort of like a Great Khali match. Basically it was a solid mid-card bout but lacked any semblance of main event status.
Next up is Idol?s version of a jobber. A jobber is the guy that always lays down for the stars. In this case roughneck Michael toes the line between Hillbilly Jim and the Honkytonk Man. Hillbilly Sarver was sick this week with the Megan bird-flu so he will to overcome that and the fact he?s not that good of a singer as well. This is basically Idol?s version of a midget match, something to do while everyone is getting popcorn or Cena T-shirts. Sadly for Hillbilly Sarver, Uncle Elmer never comes on stage for the save and he has to tap out to the submission maneuver of mediocrity.
Welllll?it?s the Big Ass, er Big Show, Lil Rounds. Not so little got the Idol makeover treatment this week, next step grammar lessons. She?s singing ?Heatwave? by Moth and the Vandelles (her words, not mine-DVR it). Big Show Lil is pandering to the African-American voters in a big way, any more and she?d be singing ?Swing Low, Sweet Chariot?. The Lil Show stole Paris Bennett?s wig and gives another fourth place worthy performance. The hideous not so Lil ass shot from the back was enough to make me wish for Floyd Mayweather to come out and deliver a haymaker. The Lil Show?s appeal gets lil?er and lil?er by the week.
Wrestling has its divas and Idol has its Diva. Adam Glambert is alternating between tough guy and ?Adorable? Adrian Adonis. Diva Adam is shedding the Gold Dust look from last week and busting out of the closet with his straight act. It may fool the teenyboppers for a while until the video comes out or they get a hi-def TV to see his hideous pock-marked face. It?s a painfully falshitto performance that has cats all over the nation scurrying to the nearest Chinese restaurant. Despite the projectile vomit emanating from the judges, all the makeup and clothes in the world won?t wash away the gayness from Sir Dicksalot.
Here come the bells, the arena goes dark, Gregorian monk chants ensue, and Dead Wife Danny emerges. He?s no American Bad Ass, maybe American fat ass. The Undertaker is going to need to summon all of Sophia?s spirits after this debacle. Do you think Idol knew putting Danny after Adam would essentially put a tombstone to his chances? It is one of the worst, cheesiest karaoke renditions in the history of history. If this was a casket match, Sir Dicksalot just buried Dead Wife Danny alive.
Aside: Why haven?t the producers figured out yet how to properly space the show so that they don?t waste precious Paula gibberish for the first hour then have to say two words to the last few contestants. Very amateurish, oh yeah this is Idol. Forget where I was at for a minute.
Allison Iraheta is going to close the show tonight. She?s the lovechild of ditzy Candace Michelle and Carlito. Marlboro pack a day Allison foreshadows forgetting the words. While she is by far the best female of the night, Allison-ito?s husky voice gets a little bit mush-mouthy in parts. It should be easily enough to get her back in the mix. Between Kara?s phoniness and Paula?s drunkenness, the judge?s once again fail to make any salient points.
Much like the days when Chyna ruled the Intercontinental division in the WWF, Diva Glambert has managed to blur the gender lines and stand tall in the middle of the ring. Be wary though because the road to Idolmania is paved with bad intentions, not to mention lots of boy on boy kissing pictures and possibly videos, and a slew of contenders are ready to take down his crown, perhaps tiara, should he stumble.